falling.

i fall into dissociation and despair faster than i can blink, all because of one little thought.

what if mom and dad disown me? what if i have to leave home and my family behind? who will be here for me?

the feeling of liberation for being my true self, and the guilt at disrupting the lives of others, collide in a shower of red and green sparks in my chest, bursting through at a velocity that punts my soul into the universe.

i drift away from the safe edge of the everything i have ever known, frantically looking for some cozy hands to catch me in midair, to steady my journey, but not expecting to see any at all.

i cry for the first time in eons. i cry like i have never cried before in my life. sobs wrack this body, chaos infiltrates this mind, and this heart swells and shrinks with the intensity and color of all the emotions i have never let myself feel. the world is colorful again. the world is painful again.

i am raw. my skin feels like silk and my body burns deliciously with shame, guilt, love, freedom, hope, joy, excitement- and gravity sets in. my gender ship is being pitched and bucked over the waves of this new me, but i still stand tall, grasping the helm with tired, beaten hands. i am firm despite my vulnerability. i feel whole despite her death.

thump

i’m caught. someone has used my name and pronouns. i’ve been validated. i feel me.

they are coming. they have arrived. they are ready.